Sunday, June 7, 2015

Not Cute Enough

For the entire months of
April and May
I have preoccupied myself
With changing my “look”,
Which has mostly consisted of
Buying shit (Retail)

I’m very much aware of
The urge I feel to buy,
And that has lead me to
Take some serious timeout
And introspect

Why do I have the urge to buy?
The answer has several stages

I buy items that I think
Will help me look cute;
I want to look cute because,
 I don’t think I’m cute enough;
I don’t feel cute enough because…
I hold a belief that says,
“I’m not cute”
(Pretty, beautiful …etc.)

I could also speculate that I buy
Shit to feel full,
But I constantly donate items
So my amount of shit is
Never overwhelming
Therefor, this hypothesis
Is disqualified

The “I’m not cute” theory
Fits my life history perfectly

I grew up with an older
Sibling who received a lot of
Positive attention for her appearance;
And I was a chubby reckless
Child who received a lot of negative attention
For her eating habits and plump figure

With that said,
It’s a no-brainer I grew up thinking
“I’m not cute”,
Which is a thought that feels
Like an overwhelming burden
Because I’m the type of person
That has to do something to change
The unwanted instead of 
Surrendering to what is

The buy-urge will subside,
Mostly due to a limited amount of
Disposable income and an
Unwillingness to accumulate debt,
But I also want this
Thought to subside

I’m aware of the urge,
I’m aware of the thought,
I’m aware of the cause,
I’m aware of the truth

The truth being
That I am already and
Have always been

I just have to let that truth
Sink in and become my new belief

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