Not Cute Enough

For the entire months of

April and May

I have preoccupied myself

With changing my “look”,

Which has mostly consisted of

Buying shit (Retail)

I’m very much aware of

The urge I feel to buy,

And that has lead me to

Take some serious timeout

And introspect

Why do I have the urge to buy?

The answer has several stages

I buy items that I think

Will help me look cute;

I want to look cute because,

 I don’t think I’m cute enough;

I don’t feel cute enough because…

I hold a belief that says,

“I’m not cute”

(Pretty, beautiful …etc.)

I could also speculate that I buy

Shit to feel full,

But I constantly donate items

So my amount of shit is

Never overwhelming

Therefor, this hypothesis

Is disqualified

The “I’m not cute” theory

Fits my life history perfectly

I grew up with an older

Sibling who received a lot of

Positive attention for her appearance;

And I was a chubby reckless

Child who received a lot of negative attention

For her eating habits and plump figure

With that said,

It’s a no-brainer I grew up thinking

“I’m not cute”,

Which is a thought that feels

Like an overwhelming burden

Because I’m the type of person

That has to do something to change

The unwanted instead of 

Surrendering to what is

The buy-urge will subside,

Mostly due to a limited amount of

Disposable income and an

Unwillingness to accumulate debt,

But I also want this

Self-esteem-eroding

Thought to subside

I’m aware of the urge,

I’m aware of the thought,

I’m aware of the cause,

I’m aware of the truth

The truth being

That I am already and

Have always been

CUTE ENOUGH

I just have to let that truth

Sink in and become my new belief